Values-Based Parenting ...continued
If you are continuing to read this article then chances are that you want information that will help you reconnect to the values that matter most to you and how to apply those individual values as part of your parenting style. Read on as we share some of the basics of how to parent with your values in mind.
In the book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids the authors state that everyday thousands of messages of violence and mistrust reach our children. In addition, there is the overwhelming pressure to define ourselves by what we have rather then what we value. Confused parents are crying out for help and support.
You know as parents you have influence with your children; you want to pass on values and guide them in ways that will contribute to their happiness and success in life.
So where to begin?
Let's start with a basic definition of values. Values for the purpose of this article are qualities desirable as a means or as an end in themselves. Qualities we might consider important are cleanliness, courtesy, respect and cooperation, to name a few.
These values, as our definition states, are wonderful in themselves but also by having, as an example, courtesy we are able to develop stronger more reliable relationships with others.
So what do you value? Make a list. To help get your thoughts rolling, look to your beliefs, morals, and ideals.
Looking to people you consider role models is another way to identify the values you find appealing, and that by having will positively impact the quality of your life and those around you.
Read over your list of values. Beside each value you find important, write a description of what that value looks like for you.
Take the value of cleanliness. Are you an "eat off the floor" kind of person, or is cleanliness defined for you as having clutter under control?
By taking the time to be clear about what you value and your personal definition of that value, you can look more closely at your own life and see if indeed you are living your values.
If you find you are not living a value, but you really want to, then now is the time to ask yourself, why? Is this a value you really hold dear, or is it a left over from something YOUR parents expected of you? If you do want to focus on that value in your life, maybe it is a matter of looking at the level at which that value is of importance to you.
Using the example of cleanliness once again, your parents might have defined cleanliness as being able to "eat off the floor", but for you controlling clutter fits more with your view of the world.
Before making the distinction between what your parents thought cleanliness was and what your definition is, you might have felt pressured to have a "picture perfect" house. The level of anxiety and confusion created from trying to conform to the expression of a value you do not agree with often comes out in your actions and words to your own family.
As we said above, as a parent you have great influence over your children. Most children learn from observation. In fact, 95% of what we remember comes from family and social interactions, not from something we read in a book or were told by an authority figure.
For your children to understand the concept of living a values-based life, they must observe you doing the same.
Home is where, by your example, the values you hold dear will become part of your child's own value system.
Often parents will say they want to have a calm and peaceful home. It would seem that a values-based environment would guarantee that, right? You simply TELL your kids what YOU value, and assume ensuring that peace and calm will follow.
That seems easy enough. If that worked it would certainly seem worth the effort of figuring out what you value. Especially if this meant you could enjoy living those values and experience the end of arguments or conflicts.
But remember back in Step 3 when you were asking yourself why you might not be living a value you seem to hold dear, and you realized it wasn't the value you weren't living, it was the expression of the value that was based on old conditioning from your childhood home?
Well, raising your children in a values-based home requires that you not only share your values with them, but also take the time to understand what they value too. This step goes a long way in ensuring your home is a place of peace and calm because it demonstrates that you value your children as individuals.
Not only is a values-based home a place of calm and peace for everyday living but it is important to remember that the home is a foundation for your children's future relationships as spouses, life partners, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, friends, and colleagues.
Being clear about your values and helping your children to understand their own values, gives them a way to function in a world where it seems we are pressured to focus on what we HAVE more than on who we are.
Having this type of conversation on a regular basis WILL lead to a peaceful, calm home.
After you have identified your values and why a values-based home would meet your needs, discuss this information with your children.
Children often are more than willing to contribute if they are given guidelines and feel relaxed because their views are being considered also.
In our book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, we go into much greater detail about how to use this beginning information about values, combine it with understanding your needs and those of your children to create a home life that meets your purpose through respecting all members ideas, feelings, and needs.
Children need parents who live honestly and with a commitment to their values. You have always known this instinctually, but now you have a few tools you can use toward this end.
We invite you to take the opportunity to get clear about what has purpose and meaning for you and your family. And, to do your best together to live in harmony with it.
To help support your continuing education in Values-Based Parenting check out the book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids. Next, for a very practical way to involve your family in learning and expressing what they value in your family, get The No-Fault Game.
These resources were created by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson are coauthors of The Compassionate Classroom, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, and The No-Fault Classroom, as well as creators of The No-Fault Game. They bring a combined 45 years of elementary teaching and parent education experience to their work. They've been developing and facilitating parent and teacher education workshops together for over 20 years. Learn more at www.TheNoFaultZone.com
Then, to receive weekly reminders that will help you focus on living in harmony with what you value,subscribe to our FREE Compassionate Parenting NVC Tips.
Tiffany Meyer is the past editor and a contributing writer to the NVC Quick Connect e-Newsletter, the founder of the Help Share NVC Project, past marketing director for PuddleDancer Press, founder/president of Numa Marketing, author of Writing a Results-Driven Marketing Plan: The Nonprofit's Guide to Making Every Dollar Count, and creator of the companion online training program, Results-Driven Marketing Mastery. She has been learning and practicing NVC for more than a decade and remains committed to integrating it into her personal and professional life.
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